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Dinner Detective eats at: Ikan, Portland Street

by The Dinner Detective
14/ 4/2005

WHAT'S in a name?

If you ask a Spaniard what he thinks of a car called Nova he'd have plenty to say. Nova in Spanish translates as "it doesn't go" - not the greatest advertisement for a motor.

And I once worked with a girl called Charmin - yes like the fancy toilet paper.

So when a friend suggested dinner at Ikan, on Portland Street, I immediately thought Ikan't.

I should have trusted my instincts because the warning signs were there. An interior paying homage to the 80s - red, black, chrome and hard angles - and an open policy on smoking wherever you fancied.

My drink took 10 minutes to arrive. My companion's first choice of white wine had run out, as had her second.

Our starters - a steamed dim sum platter (£8.60) for me and deep fried scallops Thai style (£8.50) for her - arrived and I was happy with my prawn-o-graphic dumplings.

But my companion was concerned that her perfectly decent scallops were smothered in a cold and icky jellyfish sauce.

She got the upper hand with her main of Malaysian prawns (£13.80), a generous heap of fat pink morsels showered with onion and chilli. I ordered the duck makarm (£12.50), which was overcooked and accompanied by a brown sauce. We barely touched the steamed jasmine rice (£2.00).

I noticed a big screen showing a football match and I heard salsa music. Ikan was clearly having an identity crisis, but there were more woes to come.

The kitchen had run out of desserts including the not-very-oriental panna cotta, tiramisu and sorbet. That left one flavour of ice-cream and the exotic fruit platter.

Our jolly waiter, the one saving grace amid the farce and disappointment, apologised for the wholesale absence of puddings and wine.

Ikan opened in the New Year, so my unsuccessful and overpriced evening could be put down to teething problems. But if the proprietors want to they'll have to raise their game considerably.

Must try harder.

At a glance

Ikan Thai and Oriental Restaurant, 98 Portland Street, Manchester (0161 236 1313)

Most expensive main course: Stir-fry lobster Thai style £32

Least expensive main course: Red beef curry/green chicken curry £8.50

Drinks: Average choice of white, red and rose wine. Beer, spirits and liqueurs available

No children's menu